Vaping Will Be Starbucks...if we're lucky.

When Vaping Becomes Starbucks

(I Don't Deserve to Vape at Starbucks: part 2)

  "Our mission to inspire and nurture the human spirit – one person, one cup, and one neighborhood at a time."- Starbucks mission statement

I spent ten years in the wireless industry. It takes two things to be a talented salesperson: 

1) The ability to reshape a person's preference to that of your own while allowing them to take credit...and

2) Unemployment 

  

In June of 2000 I had both. I had what older sales people called "The Gift." I could back a customer into a position of hate and make them crawl themselves out by convincing me to let them buy. By the way; In the year 2000 it was no easy task to sling phones. The number one objection thrown at cell phone sales people was,

"I don't need that ...it's just an extra bill."

Spoiler Alert: 14 Years later- Everyone has cell phones. 

I didn't work for AT&T. I didn't work for Sprint or Verizon. I didn't work for any major wireless company at all, in fact. 

I worked for Jim. 

The wireless industry was the story of small business; Mom and Pop shops with little old ladies telling you about the hot new technology. But the owners got smarter and the sales people got slicker; before you knew it there were comprehensive systems and training manuals (complete with sales tricks- most of which I wrote- for three of the largest National indirect companies in Wireless). 

Our hottest seller? This guy:

Suddenly the wireless "industry" was everywhere. Shady buildings with beaten carpets and suits eager to make a deal. The "Jims" of the world were ready to open two, three, maybe five locations.  They were the front line of cell phone sales...they didn't actually work for the wireless company, but they had an agreement to sell their product. 

And although we didn't know it at the time; we were teaching the Corporate Wireless companies how to pitch their merchandise. Then...suddenly... they did. 

Then there were less Mom and Pop stores. 

Then there was Best Buy, Circuit City and Costco...

Then there was Walmart.

...and then... it was over. 

The small business had grown too much too soon. 

My wife is actually getting her upgrade, today, at Best Buy...remember...I gave Ten years to that business...now you can buy it with a laptop and a blu ray player.

This should all sound familiar. In North Carolina we're a little behind the eight ball in the Vaping industry- but this is a good thing. We're -only now-watching the explosion of the Brick and Mortar location. We're unifying our events with other states ; And lest we forget, we  are in the heart of Smoking USA; there is no higher potential for new consumers.

Within the past six months the concept of vaping stores has gone from innovative to industry in North Carolina. We also have the luxury of observing the other state's pitfalls thereby creating a completely unique set of circumstances. 

Will we learn? Probably not.

We are probably ushering in the first wave of e-cig awareness. Then the sharks will smell blood. 

To some; the measurement of success will always be excess. To others, conquering one concept proceeds launching another. Somewhere in the middle you can find success. 

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I've been considering the parallels of the small businesses destined to live exclusively at Walmart. What happens to these inventions? When does the soul die out of their concept? The cell phone, the vacuum, the washing machine...items that created 1000's of jobs for qualified sales people. How did Starbucks make a cultural movement out of coffee?

The reason is identity. 

Starbucks- for better or worse- creates a community. That may very well be the salvation of Vaping. 

Mammoth business of the E-Cig caliber can only become Starbucks or be sold off to Walmart. Your neighborhood bar will either be "Vapor Ale" or within five years we'll be buying mods at Target. That's it- those are our choices. 

Nice packaging and complete kits are first. 

Then they will replace your store with "convenience" and low prices.  

It's time for us- as some have-  to answer the question, "Now what?"

Because a definitive winner will emerge. A business of community or a business that just happens to include our bullshit. 

...
So I sit at Starbucks and receive nasty looks when I walk in with my mod. I don't vape there, as their rules suggest. I find my old place outside and vape in the same area I used to smoke...and I wait. I wait for someone to build a business that acts as a vaping agenda rather than a store.
Where customers engage in activities not couches. This persons agenda will become Starbucks for us.
The vaping lounge is a good idea but it doesn't inspire the same level of inclusiveness I'm referring to.
So what will it look like? Barnes and Vapers? Vapes and Busters? Borders Books, Music and E Cigs?
Vapebucks?

Or will we all end up at walmart...with our eggs, cell phone, movies and itaste?

I don't deserve to vape at Starbucks. I don't deserve to vape anywhere ,technically. But I would love a brand new set of businesses that rely on me (and people like me) to fuel them.

I Don't Deserve to Vape at Starbucks part 1

I Don't Deserve To Vape at Starbucks part 1

Vaping looks like smoking. Sit with it for a second... breathe it in and deal with it. It looks dirty and irresponsible. Wait...stop fuming and just consider it. With New York placing the same unilateral policies on all cigarettes (even those of the electronic lineage) the new second class citizen phase of e-cigarettes is coming along nicely...Now accept this; it is our fault.

                 I'm a coffee shop guy. So I'm authorized to tell you upfront- that I have lost all "insider" and elitist coffee shop guy credibility because I frequent Starbucks. Oh I know...they're the devil; they've destroyed small business coffee shops and they have a funnel from Satan's ass that acts as a heating tank streaming goop directly into their "house blend." I hear you...and I don't care.

You see; Somewhere around the age of 20,  I became far less interested in what permanently fried-out, elbow pad wearing, 40 somethings had to say about Christopher Hitchens' latest essay. I needed a break. Don't get me wrong,  I loved the small coffee shop. I loved the funky couches and their mystery stains. I loved the bad wall art and the piece of shit piano that seemingly no one could play well. I loved the fringe culture and the shiftlessness of our entire non-movement...and... I also fucking hated them. It was perfect. Somewhere along the line- the balance swung and I settled on going corporate.

          That's right; corporate coffee, corporate books, corporate muffins and so on. I mean real corporate coffee. The kind with no soul and even less flavor. I wanted a venue that had no character. Where assholes of my exact brand could spout off about anything and be treated like the vapid know-nothings we really were. Hormone induced, stimulating conversation had become too much work.

         Enter Borders Books and Music of Winston Salem. Borders had all the idiocy of your local coffee shop but added all of the horrific humanity of your local walmart. It was perfect. The kind of place that would treat you insignificant after three years of loyal patronage. I was in no danger of ever getting a sense of involvement at a place like this.

     "Oh you bought coffee here every day for 728 days consecutively? Well, we're still gonna ask if you'll have a sandwich with that order. Fuck you-you're a number."  Teeny boppers would sit in semi circles reading Harry Potter books while the annoyed middle- agers would shout crass comments about their awful generation. I had graduated to a less soul moving, less small business minded, less involved class and it would be just the right training ground I would need to ready myself for the heartland of soulless America...

 Starbucks.

In June 2013 Starbucks passed a company wide ruling that restricted smokers from being within 25 feet of their buildings. Wrapped neatly into their little safe heaven smoke free zone was the part about e-cigarette users. We, too, were restricted. Back to the outside... How could Starbucks do this to me? How could a company that generated 3.4 billion dollars in 2012 not care about my need to vape with one hand and play on the internet with the other- all inside the confines of my local cafe?

Oh...that's right. 

     I wasn't surprised about the ruling. We were destined to be treated like the cigarette community; after all 97% of the electronic cigarette business relies on people that want to use a mock cigarette. What I was surprised over was my reaction. I was actually let down. That's when I realized that the science of Starbucks was a little faulty...yes they do harm small business, but that doesn't make their company completely undependable.

My Starbucks felt like mine. It is a coffee house and it feels like a coffee house. My Starbucks is brimming with culture...and  people with no culture...which means it's exactly what life is. It's perfect. It was perfect...and then they didn't want me anymore. My Starbucks is a lot of things... 

  But it isn't mine. Starbucks isn't mine, smoking isn't mine, ashtrays aren't mine, smoke breaks aren't mine... all of these things belong to a culture...but they don't belong to my culture anymore. 

 The larger issue at the center of Vaping is the legal slander and faulty science used against us, but the cultural and societal issue at the heart of our trend is a question; who are we? Where is our Starbucks, hangouts, ritual activities and sense of belonging? 

I don't deserve to Vape at Starbucks... I deserve to vape at the place that marketed to me specifically and said "I want your business."  (part two: Let's find our identity before Starbucks does it for us edition  coming soon)

The views and opinions expressed by MoocH 1 are completely his and his alone. There is no one...and the Rock means NO ONE that should share in his views. Sharing isn't even caring when it's concering MoocH's views. Thinking that any sponsor on the planet Earth would share MoocH's points of view is absolute falsity at it's finest. 

If you are vaping and NOT saving 10% it's time to join the Vaping industries largest discount program community- The Vape Association. Ten dollars will get you saving for an entire year. 

How Nestle's Nesquik Is Killing Our Children!

Nesquik began in 1948 in the United States as just a chocolate powder; they introduced a syrup in 1981 and by 1984 premixed death was available on the shelves. It wasn't until 1997 that they became Nesquik; previously they were called "Nestle's Quik"; and by that they meant "Quik Death"

First let's talk about the scientific facts from the CDC (Center for Disease Control). They state in reference to child obesity "Childhood obesity has more than doubled in children and tripled in adolescents in the past 30 years"

Coincidence? I think not. Exactly 29 years ago Nesquik introduced their ready to go drinks, which meant; they had already mixed their "syrup" and "milk" in a bottle, and you could drink it straight off of the shelf. Children had previously been water drinkers; and thus less fat. It seems safe to assume that taking kids off of water and putting them onto a daily dose of Nesquik has quikly caused a problem. (30 years is quik when you think of the entire history of the human species)

More statistics Freeze? Sure why the hell not: By 2010, One in every 3 children or adolescents were overweight or obese (again straight from the CDC website.. Link to the page will be at the bottom for reference) One of their studies found that "In a population-based sample of 5-17 year olds, 70% of obese youth had at least one risk factor for cardiovascular disease" and that "Children and adolescents who are obese are at greater risk for bone and joint problems, sleep apnea, and social and psychological problems such as stigmatization and poor self-esteem".

What that says to me is simple: Nesquik is killing our children and causing them to be depressed and have bone problems. Isn't milk supposed to be all about the Calcium, and the strengthening of bones?

So who do we blame for such flavors as Chocolate, Strawberry, Vanilla, and even DOUBLE Chocolate. And why, in 1998, did they even have to introduce a Fat Free Option? It obviously didn't help. Now you can find Nesquik Milkshakes in a variety of child-appealing flavors; as well as their "Magic Straws" that were released in 2008.

Europe has been on a health kick the past 10 years; and in 2009 shut down the production of this death-inducing substance. We don't have to get into the other Nesquik items of candy bars, fondue fountains, cereal, and other fun, child friendly stuff.

Who's to blame?

This evil motherfucker, that's who.

Would you really trust that this skiing, large overweight bunny to give your kids any chocolate bars? Hey you, get in the van; that's what I see here.

It's the simple facts here: Nesquik is targeted at children with it's many flavors that parents find disgusting like Chocolate and Strawberry; they would never be caught intaking anything with those profiles; so why do the kids love it?

Well silly rabbit, it's the marketing.

What I don't understand, is where is the outrage? Where are the angry parents who's children get these at school rather then wholesome 2% milk or even better, water. Is it not safe to assume, that if we hung this rabbit upside down, beat the shit out of him, and skinned him; that our children would be less fat and therefore, less likely to die from Syrup-Induced Diseases?(SIDs)

Where are more images of this; where it is apparent that Nestle is really Godzilla holding a children's bottle; obviously they are marketing to babies too. Who needs breast milk when you can fatten right on up from the ripe age of birth?

It's the flavors. It's the cartoon, it's all this marketing to our children and we just sit back and let it happen.

I don't know about the rest of you adults; but I only enjoy water or flavorless food; and could never understand the childhood mindset of "flavors". But, since it's only children that love flavors, I guess there isn't much we can do to battle this fudge covered bunny, is there?

  If this all sounds crazy to you; you would be what used to be known as "Accountable." The Nestle Quik bunny isn't killing your children (although your inability to monitor their behavior might), Just as there aren't any e liquid companies concocting plans to stuff nicotine into the mouths of your children. The insinuation that only kids enjoy flavored foods is plain insanity. Let the flavorless food eater among you cast the first stone.

But if you're going to make a case that industries should be shut down for targeting and hurting children...you may want to start with the companies that actually have.




My Source File: http://www.cdc.gov/healthyyouth/obesity/facts.htm

The views and opinions of Freeze, in this satyrical comedic article are not necessarily shared by the TVA 
Don't forget to join the Facebook group : www.thetvashow.com/facebook

And grab your membership under the "shop tab" at www.thetvashow.com

-Freeze

How The Vape Stole Christmas

How The Vape Stole Christmas

     You could more easily find perspective by sticking your head into a spinning blender- before you would from social media. We've heard the pitch concept; Social media is an overlapping utopia, where conversations consume you and offer warm benediction. 

                                             ...but this is not this... is it, Stanley?

               Somewhere underneath the terror of fanatical theology and your Aunt Sally raising rich television personalities to martyr status- a very quiet fire died in the vaping world. I'm talking about this: 

  

For a glorious second in time- Vapor Shark (located in Miami Florida)  became the symbol for the gnawing oppression of E- Cigarette users everywhere. Or the biggest pieces of shit on planet Earth. 

Located in the skies of I95; The Vapor Shark purchased a billboard space that blandly skewered the iconic Santa Claus; sticking an undefined mod in his white glove and captioned it with a (past it's prime) internet meme. Example: I Don't Always use tired internet meme's, but when I do, I make sure they aren't funny.

  Immediately the sign drew the ire of both Child Safety and E-Cigarette proponents. 

  Posting the sign to their facebook page  - a rift in the vaping community divided people as to whether or not the sign reinforces the newly lamented stereotype, that: Electronic Cigarette companies-and their assortment of flavored nicotine juices- target their products to children. 

It Takes balls to piss off your opponents...but it takes advertising to piss off your advocates...

   One customer took to the Vapor Shark social media page to offer this;

" you're feeding right into the concerns of public health folks that you're targeting children."

Another vaper offered this opinion;

"should we also get rid of alcohol signs so kids won't become alcoholic's?"

From the Desk of The Vape Association

  Ironically enough; The Vape Association group page (where members of Vaping's largest discount program gather online to share thoughts with other vaper's and store owners) had just encountered a similar image. 

On December 13th this image was posted to our group page:

When asked about my position on using images typically aimed at Children in reference to adult products, my initial reaction was

"Some people need to feel controversial to feel human..."

But it did beg a better question. While people became obsessive regarding targeting children- or at least- protecting our ass and avoiding being perceived as targeting children; I started to wonder if there is a moral line. Should there even be a moral line? 

    Because you can say something does that make it okay to say it? Immediately, back wood constitutional scholars (otherwise known as would be politicos) will rush to defend your right to use any idea-at anytime- as protected  by Amendment 1. Furthermore- the image of a fictional character can be considered the use of "pure speech" and is completely lawful regardless of what context it's used in. 

Vapor Shark could have said, "Santa Blows clouds in the faces of Elf Children because he loves the grimacing faces of sweat drenched kiddy laborers in slavery." 

Vapor Shark didn't say anything remotely close to that... nor do I believe that anyone would, but if you concede to the fact that bringing up pretend mythological laborers is a piss poor idea- then you concede to the idea that there is, in fact, a line that shouldn't be crossed. 

Placing Santa in compromised positions for any agenda is a classless idea. Yes, he's been in some unsavory spots before. 

Santa has loved the pipe kids...

He's even been off the wagon a few times 

But is this the culture that you want? Is it really bravery that causes the vaping culture to stand on the tracks and dare a train to pass through- or is it an embittered reaction to the lies and makeshift science that has labeled us as an unsavory lot?  

Some in the vaping community feel that we have to embrace the stereo types to rid ourselves of them. Like adopting a racial slur as a pet name to take the sting of it's original context. 

Other's attribute reckless egotism as being the culprit that perpetuates the underground "fuck 'em" vaping attitude. 

In the center of these arguments is the reality... the reality that controversy is the vaping world's closest friend. The primal need to do something bad for us. Even if it's not really...that bad.

When Dr. Mike Feinstein, a spokesman for the American Lung Association told an ABC affiliate that; “People are inhaling some type of chemical vaporized compound into their lungs without really knowing what's in it," 

You have to wonder if he understood the inherent desire to do something wrong. Did he know that this report and others like it, would contribute to the massive sales of vaping- in particular to people who should not vape...people who like doing things they are told not to do...people like... kids. 

 If this guy strikes you as a morally bankrupt shit for brains... you have to ask yourself... why are we going with his marketing strategy? 

Why do things that may or may not contribute to the concept of vapers as the evil cousin to Beelzebub- even strike us as time worthy? Are we out of interesting marketing concepts?  No more funny banter?

 Oh goodness, did you use Santa as a vaper? Amazing. You're a regular Don Draper.  

Why do we want the right to do the things that big tobacco, big alcohol and big assholes have done? Can't we be a community that places a premium on learning from the mistakes of death merchants?  We quit didn't we... it's ok to not identify as smokers now...isn't it? 

Is there a line? A place you respect...maybe just out of the understanding for society and the concept of prosperity... is there a line? 

Let's be smart enough to know that there is no line...and let's be good enough to pretend that there is- because sometimes hurting people's ideas for the sake of a dollar makes you many dollars... but it always makes you a jerk-off ... and sooner or later we will become the people that made this:

The views and opinions expressed by MoocH 1 are not necessarily those shared by TheTVAshow sponsors, guests, that of the TVA and/or the human race. MoocH is certifiably wacky. But not zany. Never call MoocH zany...you wouldn't like him when he's zany...

To sponsor TheTVAshow website please visit our website here 

The Mods of the TVA: Who the Hell Hired These Guys?

Mods of the The Vape Association

First off I will introduce you to Chris, he is our resident "like" expert, and was voted as 2013's "Most Likely To Get a Thumb Cramp"

Chris proudly serves our country and uses his deadly rifle skills to slap children in the faces with paintballs professionally. He enjoys getting sunburnt on the beach, and snuggling his kitty cats. He has gotten his wife and family vaping; and he is always ready to like anything, anyone, at anytime. If not for Chris, posts just wouldn't be liked in the TVA, so give him a round of applause!

Look for him to start contributing his own segment to this blog, " Chris Likes This" where he shares with us all of the new things he likes.

Next up is Sir-Clouds-A-Lot himself, Boone.

When he isn't singing "Baby Got Juice" about his RBAs, he is rolling his eyes and "pffting" at all the inferior clouds in the sky.

Boone is the resident ass kicker; and he will gladly curb-stomp your post if you cross any lines or break any rules (what are rules? well the group page has rules, and Boone will bash your post into oblivion if you break them. You want to join the group? Well you should. Click THIS and join, pimp)

I'd be scared of this guy too. Armed with his rickety Zmax, Boone is able to go where no vapor has gone before: to the storms that brew on Jupiter, just to show the eye of THAT storm what a cloud really is.

Look for his new blog/vlog coming soon to the TVA Show, he hasn't named it yet but it will probably just be "Hrrrm"

-Freeze

What if Vaping Was the Tool you Needed to Lose Weight?

This used to be you:

And now you are this guy:

We all have heard that when one quits smoking they usually GAIN weight; which is true in most cases, as the appetite suppressing chemicals that were once flooding your lungs are no longer present. Nicotine itself is much like Caffeine, in that they are both dieretics, boosting your metabolism. People who drink a lot of coffee find them selves much hungrier when they finish their coffee then before; it's the way the chemical works.

So you quit smoking, and started vaping. The jury is out on whether or not the "Freshman 10" return, there just isn't enough science on that. Does vaping suppress your appetite? In my experience it does not, in fact it's the opposite. It does it's chemical job like Caffeine, and that is push stuff through your system.

But Freeze, I want to look like this:

And you can. But not through vaping alone; but let's discuss how what we know can lead to the deduction that Vaping can help you lose weight.

First of all let's talk about what the vape does to your body. It dehydrates you, and that's why you will most likely notice you are much more thirsty when you are vaping, and often need to reach for a drink. So what if we replaced the higher thirst with water instead of all the gloobity goop we all drink on a regular bases?

Doctors say we need 6 cups of water a day, and if by vaping you are drinking more water then you are already on the path to the weight loss you've been dreaming of! I challenge you, as I will challenge myself, for the next month to drink water when I'm vaping instead of all the sweat tea I normally inhale. Let's see if JUST that makes a difference.

But what about working out?

When you were inhaling carcinogens, carbon monoxide, dioxide, and all the other chemicals; you were reducing your blood flow. It's scientifically known that smokers have worst circulation, with constricted blood vessels, higher blood pressure, and less blood flow to those important muscles and parts (whoa, no one said it, you just thought it). It's the facts, Jack.

So what the hell does vaping do? Well with recent studies from heart and lung associations in Europe, they have found that vaping does not constrict your blood flow, nor does it raise your blood pressure. Your lungs take in more oxygen as the tar and crap is cleaned off of your future pink-again lungs.

We can deduce then, that you are able to take in more oxygen, and your blood can take it to your body and muscles more efficiently with better blood flow and the what not's.

So what? This means your workouts should have two side effects.
1) You should be able to work out longer, as you are getting better oxygen into your system, keeping your muscles moving and grooving at a much better pace; with more sustained stamina.
2) Your work outs should be more efficient. If you are getting all of the blood to those muscles they need, they will be able to put out more work, and therefore build quicker.

WARNING: You may be MORE sore then you have in the past from being able to work out harder and better.

This looks super yummy doesn't it? When we skip eating this to vape it instead, imagine the countless calories you can skip by using vaping to your advantage to satisfy your sweet tooth? Can we not also assume, that if you are vaping dessert instead of eating it, you are going to lose weight as well?

To recap:
You want to be Channing Tatum? Then do this:
Quit Smoking and Start Vaping
Drink a metric Fuckton of Water
Vape your Calories
Workout better
Profit from a healthier you!

It's so easy cavemen can do it:

This message has been brought to you by TVA Membership from the TVA Show; you can find yours here.

-Freeze

What Exactly Does it Mean When Playboy Joins the Market?

In 1953 Hugh Hefner launched his brand, Playboy on a small $1,000 loan from his mother. For many, many years his empire was considered THE empire of the adult industry. As pornographic images got more and more graphic; Hugh and Playboy somehow were able to keep in business, and grow the business, by staying classy and sophisticated.

But that has all changed, hasn't it?

The internet, which could have easily propelled Playboy even further, has sunk the magazine into the depths of classicism; as the tastes of people has grown and evolved into much more than just simplistic nudity. The truth of the matter is simple: Hugh and Playboy just haven't been able to adapt to the technology of the past 10 years; and because of this the empire is falling.

Hugh should have passed the torch on a long time ago, if things keep going the way they are then there wont be a torch left to pass.

Why does this matter? Because this week Playboy announced their joining of the Electronic Cigarette Industry.

If it wasn't bad enough to be controversial in the 1950s, they are again joining a controversial, yet growing, market in hopes to piggy back off of the success of other cig-a-likes like NJoy and Blu.

But let's be honest, the only thing appealing about this is the free 3 pack condom sampler with every purchase.

I believe it is safe to say, that as far as gas station e-cigarettes and cig-a-likes go; NJoy and Blu have the market completely cornered; as every gas station has at least one or the other. It's dangerous for Playboy to rely on their magazine brand that they spent so many years growing to propel them into this business, but I am not saying it won't work. I'm just saying I don't think anyone cares.

Plus, can you trust the flavors? (Is that REALLY strawberry or is she happy to see me?)

The only way I could care less is if the next cover of Playboy has Jamie Lee Curtis spending the issue as the Playmate of the Month, modeling her new Playboy E-cig while also talking about her success with Activia., although that would be hella entertaining/

Didn't someone else famous fail at rolling one of these out?

I'll be honest, I would rather have put my mouth on these beauties, especially if the flavor "Tiger's Blood" was their flagship.
-Freeze

This Week's Vape: Chakra by Karmic Vapors. A pleasant, and well balanced pineapple upside down cake that really makes it hard to put down.

If You're gonna Play In Winston- You Gotta Have a Vaper in the Band

"What Kind Of Music Do You Play?"

  The Inquirer leaned on the back of his heels and gnawed a tooth pick in his grubby mouth. This man... wearing a corduroy sports coat, cut so crisply, it could have been made of the finest oaks...This man was the chosen one. Picked by the tribe of the Friday Night Entertainment Council and sent directly to me; This man had proven his great power of ball busting and was now harassing me during set up. 

    

 Questions Are harder to Answer when Your unwinding Microphone Cables.

          "Say again?" 

                   "Music.." He started, "what kind of music do you play? I wanna know about your music. You're in the band, right?

 "This Band?" I asked. 

    The venue had a freshly scented mildew. It was small and if it had any character at all- that character would be a biker in his mid 50's wearing a t-shirt two sizes too small. This corduroy man was out of place. He was suspicious. But, with the neon blues shining atop of my dark prescription sunglasses, I knew that I was suspicious too. No sense in telling this man that I was tonight's entertainment.

"This Band? Hell no I'm not in this band! Communal hippie freaks! Buncha stage orgy having; swinger sycophant deviants. I hear they practice witchcraft... right there on stage. Some backward Gnosticism with a smidgen of Pagan just to be silly."

     The man was becoming uneasy with my scene. He was sweating. I could see him envisioning the dark corners of an America he didn't understand. I retrieved my mirror sharp metallic itaste VTR. A vicious looking mod...

      "What the Hell is That?"

"Listen!" I screamed; snatching the left side of his collar, "I didn't want to be the one to tell you this, but... they're on to you..."

He was shaken. 

"Who?" He whispered. 

"The Fucking Freaks you asshole," I blurted. "They're here tonight and you're target number one. What the hell do you think I'm doing here? Just what on earth would stop you from allowing me to put these Government issued - Grade A- tracking devices into their mic cables? Are you one of them... did they flip you Hoss?"

"I'm not one of them." He said offended. 

"Good." I backed him into the bar, "Because we have big plans tonight, Hoss. Plans that challenge the natural order of this Earth and maybe even the next one. Don't let me down captain...we're all counting on you."

I could see my guitarist rolling his amplifier along the sidewalk. The rest of the band followed behind him.

"My God...They're here."

His face faded into a colorless pale. 

"Here, take this." I shoved The VTR into his dumb face and pressed the mean looking block button on it's side. "Now inhale this." 

He began coughing heavily.

"Knock it off you stupid twit!" I screamed shoving the drip tip into his hacking head again. 

"Breathe! Heavier, deep breath!" His eyes were full with mist and his face had gone purple. 

"This is a psychoactive agent currently making it's way through your lungs and eventually latching onto your spine. Think of it as a reverse narco-synthesis that allows you to lie about your identity with all the reliability of a truth serum. Tell me if you start believing you're a chicken."

"What! What have you done?"

Get your TVA membership Today...or else...

I slapped him in the mouth. "Snap out of it you son-of-a-bitch! Any minute these abominations will be twisting your pants to your ankles and performing Tuesday's Gone over your overly sensitized corpse. Are you feeling okay? You don't think you're a chicken, right? You're arms are folding- if you feel compelled to cluck- you will need to eat three table spoons butter and lay face down."

The door swung open with my band laughing loudly.

"Get Out!" I shrieked. 

His world unfolded as his hands hammered the front entrance. I knew that nothing...not the running through the streets drenched in panic, nor the revelation of a world where dreams became true... none of these things could ever let his life be the same. 

My guitarist shot his head back at the sight of the grown man screeching in the streets. He looked to me in disgust, "What, did he ask what kind of music we play?"
"Yes," I said..."Yes he did."  -MoocH 1

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